Uncategorized

It’s in the quiet.

That’s when the shakes start. That’s when the world just seems to…fall apart. The fear paints the night. I worry til morning. When I can see the light. Oh how I wish for an end in sight. I am so tired of the fight. The quake comes from within and won’t stop. The noise is around me. It tries to break in. The peace tries to surround me. But it can’t win. The warmth grows.…

Continue reading

Uncategorized

Five years ago tonight, I went to sleep not knowing the phone would ring that Monday morning with the news that would change my life forever.

“It’s cancer” I heard on the other end of the line….

That phone call would lead me on a path I can only imagine as an inexperienced traveler equipping for outerspace.

A trip that tears you down to your core and is replenished only by faith. I am thankful for those early morning conversations with God and the reassuring peace that kept finding its way through, even in the bleakest of days.

One thing people don’t give much breath to are the days active treatment ends. The years of chemo and surgery are in the rear view and now you must quietly begin to face the world again. The world expects you to jump back in, a victor.

I found it hard to be honest with the pain the struggle of survival cost me. Survival is hard. The guilt of survival is hard too. The reality is, you’re never the same. Some lessons and perspective are forever changing. The physical loss, the mental loss, the personal and relational loss, the future career you’ve worked so hard for, the anxiety of what the next phone call, piece of mail, open door, scan or exam will reveal is forever….

Please remember when you encounter a survivor, there’s so much more than you’ll ever know.

Yes, I am so thankful tonight to be able to lay my head on my pillow, after having lived another day. My life has changed considerably, but I’m still here. I get to love my husband and hug my girls. That’s all that really matters to me.

But, the loss of jobs, homes, finances, friends, family, reproduction, people’s perception and support, body parts and organs and life are also real, tangible parts of the loss we go through.

So yes, five years is a milestone. It’s also full of more than meets the eye.

Uncategorized

When the light goes out.

When the light goes out, the skin begins to pale. When the light goes out, the smile is no longer there. When the light goes out, the eyes, they’ve lost their shine; the sparkle, no longer there. When the light goes out, the soul lifts high. When the light goes out, the help is ever high. When the light goes out, there is no time to be silent. For when the light goes out, you’ll…

Continue reading

Uncategorized

Happy Thanksgiving.

Smudged lines of blues and greens stretch across the horizon of the sea on this Thanksgiving afternoon. What lies beyond, a blur. A few brave souls sit close to the edge of where the sand and the surf join. Chairs relaxed and toes in the sand. I imagine their eyes are closed, humming along to the ever constant rising and crashing of the sea. Maybe they’re the clerks at the grocery store that wished me…

Continue reading

Uncategorized

Thankful.

Last night was homework night in our house. My youngest had a series of things she could choose from and as one, she chose to send a card to someone that she was thankful for at her school. She said, ‘my teacher won’t know it, but I’m going to send more than one. I’m thankful for a lot of people.’ Bless her heart, she had to give them all to her teacher. She sat there…

Continue reading

Uncategorized

Taking back the ball.

I watched my youngest girl play in a 3rd grade basketball game on Saturday. She wasn’t herself. Not the girl I remembered from last season anyway. She was the one who would play through the end, only stopping sometimes when the shriek of the whistle would blow in her ear. No, this time she seemed timid, withdrawn. Almost like she’d lost her spark. The bright ball of energy that exuded from her tiny frame was…

Continue reading

Uncategorized

Seasons

I so love the changing of the seasons. The cool morning air, the warmth of the furnace, and the first smell of rain in the spring, are some of my favorite things. On my way to drop off my girls at their school this morning, the deep red of the maple trees hugged the shoulder as the sun lit my path. I took a deep breath and let the moment run through my veins and…

Continue reading