Something I often hear from those on the other side of active treatment is how little anyone speaks of what the after is really like.
In my case, a fight that looked like 18 months of chemotherapy and immunotherapy during the isolation of COVID, iron transfusions, a bilateral mastectomy with multiple surgeries for reconstruction, a total hysterectomy and bilateral salpingo oophorectomy which meant slamming into menopause at 38, therapy and a multi level neck fusion, as well as losing my career and my level of income due to my inability to function both cognitively and physically at the level necessary and then losing my mother a year after my surgeries were completed, has been overwhelming.
Frankly, it’s a bit like being stuck. Which is also depressing. And can make you feel ashamed. People want you to be better and back to normal. They want you to bounce back. And so do I. I want to feel the light on my face and the bounce in my step again.
I focus on the fact I have more time with my family, but yet the fact that I have constant pain, fatigue and a myriad of other issues, not to mention the loss of my career and the income security it brought to my daughters, well, it just doesn’t seem fair.
In fact, it really upsets me. Yes, I am grateful to be alive and to have a chance to see my girls grow up. I do not take that for granted.
I think part of the reason no one talks about it is that no one wants to sound like they are whining or ungrateful for the gifts and time we do have. The fact is, though, there are bills to pay. There is hopefully a life to live and breathe life into still. There may or not be time left to make memories. We are reminded of this every day. And now we have this new silent disability that isn’t obviously apparent, and we are thrust back into the world that has moved on without us.
I really thought I would have a plan revealed to me at the end of my active fight. I believed that. It is in part what kept me going. Perhaps this is what my journey was teaching me. To air and share these dirty little secrets of post cancer treatment and the after. Certainly something to ponder.
I try not to let it harden me. I try to put in the work and to heal responsibly. I serve others and pray often, I plead for peace and answers. I am a person of faith and even with that, I can attest to the fact that it’s hard. Scanxiety is real, as is the unknown of what may lie ahead. You try to make plans and trust a future but you now know what it’s like to have those plans and that future ripped away and fall by your side. To go through hell and still have to keep showing up everyday. Isn’t there grace for that?
I like the line that shares, not all storms come to destroy your path, some come to clear it. I do believe there is some truth in that. And I cling to the fact that God has a plan for me and for my future. I just have to keep trusting and walking it out. Even through the trudge and darkness that some days bring.
None of us know what the future holds. And I wish I had the answers for how to make it better. For now, I will keep praying, walking and writing.